I have this odd habit of writing down amusing things people have said over the years, and I’ve collected most of them here, for your enjoyment, as well as mine.
Mom: Can I eat it?
Me: Is it edible?
Mom: Did you hear what the Russians did to Piglet?
Casey: I know how to do babies; I have three. I mean …
Casey: My eyes get big when my brain doesn’t understand what it’s trying to tell itself.
Bevin: Don’t mind me, the pervert in the corner.
Me: I thought maybe a bug just pooped on me or something!
Mom: Oooh, sour thingies!
Stan: I love you as many times as those words would fit across all the oceans of the world.
Mom: Uh, what font size?
Joe: I think something just burst in my leg; like, an alien or something!
Joe: What if there’s bugs in there? They’ll crawl into my brain!
Bevin (speaking to a sweater on a sales rack): How much do you want for yourself?
Casey: Do you know what croutons are?
Griffin: Bread.
Casey and me: Stale bread!
Griffin: … with herb dressing!
Me: Grandma, you lost a noodle.
Mom: Grandma lost her noodle!
Grandma: That happened a while ago.
Bevin: The moth demonstrates the usefullness of that screen.
Casey: Hey! I just found a nickel!
Me: That’s like winning the lottery … times five!
Bevin: Imagine if this yarn exploded on you. You wouldn’t even hear it. It would be a quiet explosion. Suddenly you’d be covered in fluff.
Joe: I can’t find my butt dimple!
Me: If I wanted to get a bright light shined in my eyes, I would go to the dentist!
Amber: My card had fucking donkeys on it!
Me: Fucking donkeys, Amber? It had fucking donkeys on it?
Amber: Well, it had donkeys.
Julie: I remember everything. I’m like an elephant.
Mom: That bird’s really goin’ at it, out there!
Random guy at the park: There’s no attractive gay people in this town!
Casey: I just had a tremendous urge to spit water at you.
Stephanie: What is up with Pinnochio!?
Mom: I was thinking about that this morning!
Stephanie: You guys contributed to a minor.
Mom: I still have clothing with shoulderpads.
(pause)
Mom: Don’t look at me like that!
Joe (referring to a woman’s hair): It’s like a pineapple! But not so Bart Simpson-esque. More like a combination of Marge Simpson and a pineapple.
Bevin’s mom: You’re a doofus.
Bevin’s dad: I don’t “doof” in public.
Joe: Watch out! I keep flinging Qi all over the place with my toes!
Mom: I’ve got this big hunk of lint following me around!
Me: What?!
Mom: The dog!
Bevin: Here’s another thing.
Me: Hmm?
Bevin: Pictures.
Me: Pictures?
Bevin: Pictures.
Me: Pictures?
Bevin: Pictures.
Me: Oh, pictures!
Bevin: Pictures.
Bevin: You know what this song sounds like? A composer for porno movies decided to go legit, and it didn’t work out.
Julie: We’re not eating inside! Are you crazy?!
Me: Apparently!
Ty: And I don’t care what the book says, the space shuttle ain’t gonna go to the moon; it’d be like making a pig fly. Another one’s set to launch in just over a week. A shuttle, not a pig. I was actually thinking … pigs have pretty tough skin … I wonder if they could survive in vacuum … if you plugged their noses, mouths, and butts. But then I realized if you did that they couldn’t breathe … or poop … both of which are vital things for a pig. And even if the pig survived the vacuum … if he tried to re-enter, all we’d have is sausages for dinner. I wonder what you’d use to fuel the pig for liftoff … baked beans, maybe.
Bevin’s mom: Hey Dave, John Milton says turnip greens make you frisky!
Me: I am obsessed with the male species. And Conjure One. And bubble tea. But mostly, the male species.
Bevin: I wish we were together more often. Or moften, if you are of the misspelling ilk.
Casey: That’s nervous! It’s kind of like when you go down a dark alley: it’s rapist down there!
Me: You know what I hate? When you really have to go to the bathroom, and then you get in there and your body goes, “Just kidding!”
Chris B.: Is this your bed? ‘Cause it feels like a sea cucumber.
Ty: The average velocity of the molecules of my skin is decreasing.
Casey: You’re dangerously thin on ice, my friend.
Ben: Aren’t raspberries blue? Or is that blueberries?
Griffin: Why must you always laugh at my agony?!
Casey: I laugh at everyone’s agony!
Me: You should uninstall that shelf.
Ty: You sound like you’re talking into a mixing bowl.
Me: What’d we get?
Casey: A bevy of gift ideas!
Griffin: Smile in repulsion or don’t smile at all? I’ll take the smile in repulsion.
Ty: People pay no attention to the signs behind the curtain.
Casey: My pillow has lost some of its fluffy.
Casey: What are you doing over there? It just got twenty degrees brighter in here!
Casey: Yay! I’m clean and fresh and sterile!
Me: Always a good thing.
Me: Oh yeah, we should probably water our plants, huh?
Ty: I was just thinking about that, a few days ago.
Ty: You should practice poking your eye out.
Ty: Now that I am severely salinated …
Joe: I dropped my monkey …
Chris B.: Yeah, well I’ve been fucked over by a two-pound gorilla, before, so …
Me: I wanna make cookies.
Ty: I wanna make … babies.
Ty: You bought an Easy-Bake Oven for whats-his-Ben!
Me: Does this vacuum have a sucky thing?
Me: What’s hurting me? Oh, my chapstick has gone, like, vertical on me.
Mom: People relate to their cameras by how many mega-pickles they have.
Me: You’re not helping.
Ty: Yeah, but I feel good about it.
Ty: RCW 2.28.812 Sleep: Sleep is illegal on the premises outside of the time period normally allocated for daily sleep events. Any violation of this regulation may result in prolonged mutual contact of the lips.
Me: How does it happen?
Ty: I don’t know, it always happens every now and then.
Bevin’s Josh: Cheese = true.
Jamila: It’s amazing what gets stuck to your date ball when you put it in your pocket.
Brian: Oh THAT’S why it’s not working! I’m an idiot. (pause) Okay, someone can disagree with that!
Bob: The drop shadow that ate Philadelphia!
Erica: Is it really warm in here or is it just me?
Nicole: Yeah, it’s really warm in here.
Bob: That’s ’cause we’re in hell! WELCOME!
Bob: I’m thermally challenged.
Bob: My website looks like an explosion in a puzzle factory.
Nicole: You know, instead of this being a poster for this conference, it should say, like, “Visit the alpha quadrant.”
Bob: Captain jerk of the starship movie-prise.
Bob: Damnit, Brian, I’m a graphic designer, not a comedian.
Nicole: Oh crap. I lost my logo.
Brian: That’s never good. Did you look behind the refrigerator?
Nicole: Say no to chandelier earrings.
Nicole: Did the internet stop?
Brian: Yeah, mine’s having problems, too. Oh, it moved.
Dar: Did you just make a pirate noise?
Brian: I do it a lot.
Bob: I’m contemplating a life of type crime.
Jeanne: It’s like cow sniper school or something.
Bob: It’s Captain Butterscotch! (in reference to a gold-colored superhero illustration)
Bob: I’m sharp as a marble.
Bob: I’m busy as a one-legged tap dancer.
(talking about Orca Day at WCC)
Brian: We actually have a mascot? Is he actually a whale?
Nicole: Yeah.
Brian: That’s great!
Bob: Laughing is good. Laughing and pointing is bad.
Bob: Dumber than a box of hammers.
Jeanne: Don’t get old.
Al: Rodents are cool.
Professor Sleeman:
“And if we had a sensible government, which is almost an oxymoron …”
“Politicians are a really nice lot. If you ever come into contact with one, wear latex gloves.”
“You are all going to die.”
“I want a small Greek island. Not a big Greek island. That would be gross. Just a small Greek island.”
“I bought my son an erector set when he was a boy, because I thought it might help with his erections.”
“They have all these monuments that point out all the battles that the French have won, but they never point out that they lost the war.”
“I point out to my son that not only does he work for a predatory monopoly, but an inefficient predatory monopoly.” (referring to Microsoft)
“It’s very important to tease your children. Builds their character.”
“I wear a tie, to keep the tie industry going. I wear a tie on the beach … I have a special beach tie, which I wear.”
“You are charmingly naïve.”
“Why was I talking to the other class about Britney Spears’ underwear?”
“Five seconds of contemplation suggests that Lou Dobbs is an idiot.”
“Economists talk about wodgets and widgets. It’s one of the cute characteristics of the profession.”
“Hell’s Grannies! Old, decrepit ladies in wheelchairs, with little bombs strapped to them. ‘Alright ladies, line up, and when I say “Go,” head two blocks that way and stop, and when you’re in the middle of all the miscreants, set off your little bombs!’ I’ve been talking to retired groups about this for 30 years! And they don’t think nearly as much about it as I do!”
“But we’re going to talk about the economics of prostitution. Why? Because it’s about sex!”
“The other night, I went to my computer and went to Google and typed in ‘prostitution’ and it turned up about 24,000 hits. I didn’t look at any of them, of course. My wife was home, and she would have beat me over the head … with a tablespoon.”
“One of the joys of lecturing in 2007 is that young women have adopted a style that shows great quantities of cleavage.”
Professor Ericksen:
“You know the best way to lose weight? Vigorous sex.
Hanging-from-the-chandeliers sex.”
Tim Fitzpatrick:
“This is just a direction in the right step.”
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